They lied

Well 4 years and 2 kids later I am still trying to figure out this whole mom thing. No one talks about the dark side of parenting. The PPD, the endless nights, painful hard breasts, bad latches, the meltdowns. After we had K I had a very hard time coping. I could barely get out of bed, I didn't know up from down. Our two little dogs suffered the most. I knew I wasn't doing a good enough job and treating them the way they deserved so I made the decision to re-home them. We found them a loving family with two little girls where each dog could have their own one on one attention. A little back track, K's birth story is a little crazy. My water broke in the early morning on April 30, 2015. I called the OBGYN as soon as they opened and told them what happened, but me being a first time mother the nurse didn't take me seriously and told me I was lying. Contractions didn't start until the next day and didn't get regular enough until around 10pm May 1. Bruce and I went to Labor and Delivery and we were there for a few hours before they sent me home. I was in tears from multiple things. They never even checked if my water had broke or not, although the nurses said I shouldn't be sent home. So I labored all night at part of the morning at home calling the OBGYN again in the morning just begging to be checked for dilation. The nurse on the phone tried talking me out of being checked but I persisted. Getting there and checking my blood pressure the nurse said oh it looks like your in pain, all the while I am thinking no shit Sherlock. She got around to checking me and I was at a good 4 so they finally admitted me to labor and delivery. When they came in to break my water they were actually scraping K's head, she had fallen into the break and was exposed for 2 days. The OBGYN that delivered K was mad about what had happened and knew I was treated very wrongly. K came out with a head full of black hair, the cord was around her neck but they got it off with no problem. K actually ended up in the NICU with a pretty bad infection. They had her on a couple different antibiotics and she wasn't wanting to eat so they had to check her sugar levels just about every hour. I was a mess, it killed me inside to not have her with me, to see so many tubes. I just wanted to go home with my baby, I wanted to be a family in my own place. I am very thankful that she wasn't in there very long but it definitely felt like forever. We had our good days and bad days when we got home. I blamed myself for many things my milk not being enough, K being so small, she actually stopped growing for a while. When it came to solid foods that was a whole new struggle. She had texture issues so she wasn't eating enough, her doctor sent her to an occupational therapist to teach us how to feed her basically. We also started seeing an endocrinologist, we just recently stopped seeing her because they could never give me a straight answer. I feel that I need to see a geneticist but I haven't gotten a referral yet. In June of 2015 I gave birth to B, our sweet little boy. His birth was very different than K's. I was so miserable toward the end that I opted to be induced. On June 17, 2015 I was admitted to labor and delivery and was started on Pitocin. I labored all day and was stalled around a 4 for a long time. While we waited I was watching his heart rate on the monitor. Every contraction his heart rate would dip a little more each time I was getting more and more scared. I called my dad and asked him to come and give me a blessing. The OBGYN was concerned enough that she switched over to internal monitors, that showed his heart rate was dipping even more. When I did transition it was very fast. As soon as I felt I needed to push his heart rate went the lowest that I had seen, and the OBGYN told me he needed to come out now. I took everything I had and I had him in 3 pushes. The cord was also around his neck like his sister's only his was tighter and also they determined that it was pinched so it was so important that I had him that quickly. Having him that quickly I am pretty sure that I broke my tailbone although no one said anything for sure. I still to this day have pain sitting in certain chairs, or for too long. Breastfeeding B was still hard he never had a good latch, but I did have an over abundance of milk so he was fed better than K. He is the most loving, caring, sweet little boy that I have met. Sure K and B fight like any other brother and sister would but they still have such a special love for each other it is amazing to just sit back and watch. We recently added a new addition to our family, a puppy. I know I know what was I thinking, truth is I wasn't. Bruce kept going on and on about how he wanted the kids to grow up with a dog, how he wanted a big dog, how "we" needed a dog. I was finally feeling like myself again from being on anti-depressants for a few months. I let him talk me into looking for a dog and jokes on me I found one on petfinder. Her and the rest of her litter were at a rescue. I don't know the whole story, or really any of it. I called and found out they were doing adoptions at Petco in Farmington. So we loaded up the kids and went to see them. Bruce had his eyes on one of her sisters, I had my eyes on her. We get there and find out she is the last one left, she was so timid. I fell in love with her, again I still don't know what I was thinking. We ended up getting her and bringing her home that same night. It took a while for K to warm up to her, she was scared of dogs, but she eventually did and now she won't leave her alone. K actually came up with the name. She came to us with the name Ivy, but for some reason K kept calling her Ivan and it stuck. Ivan is a collie dane, so she is going to be a big dog. She is such a good dog bless her heart, I was told once that if you say "bless her/his/their heart" you could continue on with a complaint about said person. She has a bad habit of getting food off the table or out of the garbage, it isn't much of a stretch for her. She is a quiet dog, and lets the kids be kids with her with out too much of a reaction on her part. She is still considered a puppy, she will be 1 on July 14, at least that is what I calculated from what the people at the rescue could tell me. Well this is just a little, big, update of our lives'. I have been thinking about things lately and have been wanting to start up my blog again. I am hoping that with me writing my struggles and be open, honest, and raw that maybe someone out there will read this and realize that they aren't alone. There are other women or even men out there who can go through some of the same struggles. The do have someone to talk to. Time to get the kids fed and to bed. Much love to you all and may tomorrow be a better day.